Wednesday, 29 April 2009


What's the deal with Twilight?? how the hell can he be hotter in the book?!?! It's the description you say? It must be like a five book long description of some pretty boy rubbing grease on his abs! and he has yellow eyes!! what the hell? yellow eyes?!?! oh that's hot! yellow eyes?! and he's a vegetarian... THAT QUEEN!!! a vegetarian, oh sure! that's hot! a vegetarian?!?! I wasn't aware that the epitome of sexy now a days is a vegetarian, yellow eyed, pretty boy, vampire Poof who doesn't even exist! what the hell has happened to the world?!?! Mark my words when i say that i will never read that book or watch that film! ever! and i thought it was bad enough that every single girl in Orkney was obsessed with this ass hole, Edmund. But oh no! i was wrong it's not only the entirety of Britain but France and Spain and Portugal too! No I have not read crep├║sculo, Bitch!! and why do women actually continue to ask mankind if they have read twilight? has any man ever read let alone enjoyed that book?!?! how can he be the latest teenage heartthrob if no one has ever seen him?!?! you don't get people saying "That sure is a beautiful sunset but not as good as the one in that book i read". You people are stupid! I hate Edward!! end of rant!!

Monday, 27 April 2009


Hey folk.

I supose I should update you on what I’ve been doing. I’m in portugal at the moment and have been for the past two weeks, one of which I spend on a piece of land in the north near Fugue. Life was a lot simpler there, there was no electricity or water, the most high tech household appliance was probably the gas stove. We got our drinking water from a spring, it was very rural, There was a doney and everything! *Rhyme* I must admit however that the donkey was a bit of an ass hole, he ate my frickin’ bread dough, he’s much like my cat bubbles but in donkey form, that bubbles is such an ass hole, always where you don't want him but never the less nono - The donkey - was a good guy, we had some good times. it’s shocking how much donkeys go so well with coffee, I feel like I’m in an advert whenever I drink coffee near a donkey, you won't understand until you do it. Due to the lack of running water I had to bathe in a nearby lake whilst i was there, I’ll admit there was a bath but it was far too small for me and I couldn’t really be bothered with the whole heating up the water process. It’s surprising how little you can get by with. There's so much to say about my time there i really don't know where to begin so i suppose i won't begin, i'll just skip ahead to where i'm at now.

I’m now in a place called cascais, near lisbon, I’ve been here for a few days and it has been absolutely top captain! I’ve met a lot of cool people, there’s a big surfing culture here and the pubs and clubs all have a great atmosphere. It’s surprising how many portuguese people are americans, I get the feeling that english is more useful than portuguese down here. In an interesting turn I am now considered scottish and I apparently have quite a strong scottish accent, I suppose I’m from wherever the person I’m talking to is not, to americans I sound scottish, to scottish I sound american. Silly times

Missionary kids are cool once they turn fifteen and start rebelling. I'm not used to the christian crew in a place being such sound people. I'm yet to shake off my slang that i've developed during my time in orkney, people get confused when i say thingslike"Scrub" or "pint" or "deck of fags" or "backy" . Jokes are a weird thing here, most people have never heard most of my pointlessly offensive scottish jokes about nouns, pedophiles and ethic monorities. They don't haveChuck Norris jokes here, even among the americans who know who Chuck Norris is, how weird is that? I had to explain the whole back story and tell them why it is meant to be funny, bad times.

I find that when you haven’t seen any films for a while the ones you do see become funnier and have more emotional impact than they would otherwise. Last night I was genuinely emotionally effected by the film “Monsters and Aliens”… in potruguese.

Anyway i've slammed a lot in here and have made everything far too breif, i'll try and keep this blog better updated. You guys take care. Those of you in sixth year be sure to show Ms Learmonth what she's taught us when muck up day comes about. How the balls do you spell her name?

Over and out! (should i start using that expression or is it too shit?)

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Buenas Dias!

I am wearing shorts and a wife beater in a spanish bar with a litre of beer, smoking a lucky strike (inside a bar... legally) and I spent the afternoon on a beautiful beach surrounded by palm trees. Boom!

Monday, 6 April 2009


Right, to explain why I haven't been in contact with anyone and that includes Donald and Kim who up until three days ago have been kept grueling up to date with every pointless detail: Basically I'm in Chateauroux, France and am too stingy to waste my money on topping up my phone to provide me with horrifically pricey overseas text and call rates. Or to purchase a French Sim as i am only here for a few days. But i intend to buy a Portuguese one so don't worry, all of you that i have been texting up to date until recently, I'll be able to do so again soon. Anyway we had plans to spend an extra week or so in Chichester but were forced to leave prematurely: Basically we all spend the night out at a friend's house, during the night the toilet tent was blown off the toilet in what to an Orcadian man like me would consider to be some poncey, English winds. Nevertheless as pathetic as the winds were compared to the manly gale force gusts we get in merry Orkney they did still knock the tent over. Early the following morning the local council saw on their live feed that there was an outdoor toilet without anything concealing it, They came down to the camping area in the early, early hours of morn, long before our casual return to the truck and had us kicked out. We figured we were dragging our feet a bit anyway and took this rejection as a hint from the higher power that we should get off our asses and hit the continent.

As I mentioned previously we are now in a quaint French town called Chatearoux. It's ridiculously hot. The warmest I've been since last time I was in southern France – If Ell is reading this I'll have you know it is even hotter than that time. Anyway It's a beautiful French town however it's brought me to again remember that i don't speak French, a problem that causes me bi-annual pain, the up side of this being that it serves as a practical use for my impeccable skill at charades, it must have been a hilarious sight for anybody who saw me trying to mime “Wifi Internet” to the locals. Personally I thought my impression of a satellite receiving and sending radio waves to be quite well done and the sound effects weren't too bad either. I'm now on the street stealing internet from a nearby apartment. However this en devour should make me better appreciate my enhanced communication skills i should have tomorrow as i pass through Spain where i will have no trouble blindly answering yes or no questions and asking people where my Tequilla is.

Anyway we're off to Portugal in the morning to see some old friends. There should be surfing in this for me which seems a plus. I haven't surfed since I was two years old but even then i doubt I'll have retained what inevitably little skill I had back then. I expect that I'll have a decent amount of internet access there so my blog should be better up to date that it has been in the recent past, although you can probably just assume that I will spend the next two weeks surfing and drinking fine wine in the sun whilst constantly surrounded by beautiful Portuguese women.