Saturday, 11 July 2009

Horoscopes... more like HOMOscopes!!!

Like Sam's twilight rant i have decided to have a rant about Horoscopes...... They are really gay!!! They are always really vague and unspecific and most of the time they don't even tell you what is going to happen they just suggest things that you should be doing, for instance i read my one today just to prove how gay they are and it said that i should be trying new things, being more artistic and trying out new types of creative energy or something like that. To start i would always suggest trying new things. Nobody want's to be doing the same thing all the time, anyone could have suggested THAT. Secondly, i would also recommend being more artistic to anyone which to be honest is just a safety shot as it can never be a bad idea to be more artistic even if it doesn't help you greatly in any way. Thirdly recommending creative energy is just self promoting and telling people to get into weird stuff like horoscopes and crystal...BALLS and Hogwarts and stuff which just makes me angry! FOURTHLY... WHO WRITES THESE THINGS ANYWAY!!!!! They are surely about as reliable as fortune cookies or the rantings of a drunken Irishman. I imagine they have some porpoises that move a series of plastic balls with fortunes inside some and star signs in others from one side of a pool to a different side into a little machine and that's how they are decided (much like i imagine that family guy jokes are matched with the stories they fit into (thank you south park)). And what about all those times horoscopes are wrong!!??!?!?! Doesn't that count for anything? i just think they're stupid and i don't see why people even read them. I'm sorry if i have taken up too much of your time but i just wanted to get that out, I'm also sorry if i have offended anyone but if you base your life decisions on horoscopes then you are a homo. THE END!!!

Please feel free to leave your comments on the matter below if you have continued to read this far. cya

Wednesday, 1 July 2009


As I breifly stated in my last post I am now living alone in Switzerland... Well, Maybe not alone, I share a flat... A room... Ok, A bed but none the less I am no longer with my family, I work with a swiss moving company called "Speed Service" and I must say that out of the six jobs that I've had this one could quite likely be the best; I get along great with my co-workers including my boss which is always a very important factor; It is really enjoyable, pleasant work and It pays significantly better than any other job I've had.

I am living with a Christian Community of about forty people. My boss, Frankie started  Speed Service about four years ago and has since then bought a very large appartment block which provides accommodation for his employees. It is like a very close group of friends that eat together, live together, work together etc. All of the meals are  provided, everything! I litterally have not spent a single penny since my arrival in switzerland and have been living like a king. There is even a wide range of food, drinks, toiletries, sparklers and everything else I may need in the cellar for me to help myself to. Toiletries that answer your enquiry as to why I smell like Axe (Linx) anti-hangover shower gel that I have not been able to test but remain certain that it has absolutely no effect whatsoever on hangovers. Anti-Hangover? You've got to think about who the target buyers for these sort of things are, Slightly off topic but Did you ever notice that both Girl bands and Boy bands are girl's music? And why are Britney and All those other pop stars doing the whole sexy thing when their music targets women?? what the hell??

Anyway Switzerland is incredible, I am genuinely shocked at the economy over here, It is amazing, Prices of everything is not at all that much higher than any other western european countries yet everyone has so much money, I swear that in one day I see more ferraris than I do in a month anywhere else in the world! Yesterday we moved furniture into a place with one of them fireplaces thats in the centre of the room. I need say no more.

Anyway I'm here for a month and then off to Spain for the camino de santiago and that is as far ahead as I know, but I think I like it better that way, gives me alot more opportunities to be spontaneous, because we all know that spur of the moment decisions are allways the best... and worst.

Back, but changing some things.

Hello folks!

As you've probably all noticed my blog is starting to die. The reason for this I think is that I have been going about this blog the wrong way, I have been making very long posts and have been attempting to give you and up to date story about my time away, usually with a comedic spin. Now I have decided to become more selfish, I am going to use this blog as a place to put my thoughts and I will no doubt leave out a lot of crucial parts of my gap year journey, When I am im a hip mood my posts will be hip and funny, when I am feeling down they will likely be depressing and so on. There has obviously been a lot that has happened since my last post, such as my return to orkney and so on but I am not going to blog about all of that because this blog is no longer a story but an outlet for whatever is on my mind. I think the main reason I haven't been posting was beacuse I didn't want to have to catch you all up on what has happened leading up to what I am doing now. For example when I tell you that I have left my family and am now living with a christian community in switzerland, working for a Moving Company called "Speed service" you will probably be really confused as to how I ended up in such an odd position, I am now going to ignore problems of this nature and write about whatever is on my mind now matter how confusing is may be to you. Hopefully my new and hopefully I can use the word "Improved" blog should be kept better up dated and be slightly more interested than my previous layout.

You think I'm bad then take a look at donald's contribution!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009


What's the deal with Twilight?? how the hell can he be hotter in the book?!?! It's the description you say? It must be like a five book long description of some pretty boy rubbing grease on his abs! and he has yellow eyes!! what the hell? yellow eyes?!?! oh that's hot! yellow eyes?! and he's a vegetarian... THAT QUEEN!!! a vegetarian, oh sure! that's hot! a vegetarian?!?! I wasn't aware that the epitome of sexy now a days is a vegetarian, yellow eyed, pretty boy, vampire Poof who doesn't even exist! what the hell has happened to the world?!?! Mark my words when i say that i will never read that book or watch that film! ever! and i thought it was bad enough that every single girl in Orkney was obsessed with this ass hole, Edmund. But oh no! i was wrong it's not only the entirety of Britain but France and Spain and Portugal too! No I have not read crep├║sculo, Bitch!! and why do women actually continue to ask mankind if they have read twilight? has any man ever read let alone enjoyed that book?!?! how can he be the latest teenage heartthrob if no one has ever seen him?!?! you don't get people saying "That sure is a beautiful sunset but not as good as the one in that book i read". You people are stupid! I hate Edward!! end of rant!!

Monday, 27 April 2009


Hey folk.

I supose I should update you on what I’ve been doing. I’m in portugal at the moment and have been for the past two weeks, one of which I spend on a piece of land in the north near Fugue. Life was a lot simpler there, there was no electricity or water, the most high tech household appliance was probably the gas stove. We got our drinking water from a spring, it was very rural, There was a doney and everything! *Rhyme* I must admit however that the donkey was a bit of an ass hole, he ate my frickin’ bread dough, he’s much like my cat bubbles but in donkey form, that bubbles is such an ass hole, always where you don't want him but never the less nono - The donkey - was a good guy, we had some good times. it’s shocking how much donkeys go so well with coffee, I feel like I’m in an advert whenever I drink coffee near a donkey, you won't understand until you do it. Due to the lack of running water I had to bathe in a nearby lake whilst i was there, I’ll admit there was a bath but it was far too small for me and I couldn’t really be bothered with the whole heating up the water process. It’s surprising how little you can get by with. There's so much to say about my time there i really don't know where to begin so i suppose i won't begin, i'll just skip ahead to where i'm at now.

I’m now in a place called cascais, near lisbon, I’ve been here for a few days and it has been absolutely top captain! I’ve met a lot of cool people, there’s a big surfing culture here and the pubs and clubs all have a great atmosphere. It’s surprising how many portuguese people are americans, I get the feeling that english is more useful than portuguese down here. In an interesting turn I am now considered scottish and I apparently have quite a strong scottish accent, I suppose I’m from wherever the person I’m talking to is not, to americans I sound scottish, to scottish I sound american. Silly times

Missionary kids are cool once they turn fifteen and start rebelling. I'm not used to the christian crew in a place being such sound people. I'm yet to shake off my slang that i've developed during my time in orkney, people get confused when i say thingslike"Scrub" or "pint" or "deck of fags" or "backy" . Jokes are a weird thing here, most people have never heard most of my pointlessly offensive scottish jokes about nouns, pedophiles and ethic monorities. They don't haveChuck Norris jokes here, even among the americans who know who Chuck Norris is, how weird is that? I had to explain the whole back story and tell them why it is meant to be funny, bad times.

I find that when you haven’t seen any films for a while the ones you do see become funnier and have more emotional impact than they would otherwise. Last night I was genuinely emotionally effected by the film “Monsters and Aliens”… in potruguese.

Anyway i've slammed a lot in here and have made everything far too breif, i'll try and keep this blog better updated. You guys take care. Those of you in sixth year be sure to show Ms Learmonth what she's taught us when muck up day comes about. How the balls do you spell her name?

Over and out! (should i start using that expression or is it too shit?)

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Buenas Dias!

I am wearing shorts and a wife beater in a spanish bar with a litre of beer, smoking a lucky strike (inside a bar... legally) and I spent the afternoon on a beautiful beach surrounded by palm trees. Boom!

Monday, 6 April 2009


Right, to explain why I haven't been in contact with anyone and that includes Donald and Kim who up until three days ago have been kept grueling up to date with every pointless detail: Basically I'm in Chateauroux, France and am too stingy to waste my money on topping up my phone to provide me with horrifically pricey overseas text and call rates. Or to purchase a French Sim as i am only here for a few days. But i intend to buy a Portuguese one so don't worry, all of you that i have been texting up to date until recently, I'll be able to do so again soon. Anyway we had plans to spend an extra week or so in Chichester but were forced to leave prematurely: Basically we all spend the night out at a friend's house, during the night the toilet tent was blown off the toilet in what to an Orcadian man like me would consider to be some poncey, English winds. Nevertheless as pathetic as the winds were compared to the manly gale force gusts we get in merry Orkney they did still knock the tent over. Early the following morning the local council saw on their live feed that there was an outdoor toilet without anything concealing it, They came down to the camping area in the early, early hours of morn, long before our casual return to the truck and had us kicked out. We figured we were dragging our feet a bit anyway and took this rejection as a hint from the higher power that we should get off our asses and hit the continent.

As I mentioned previously we are now in a quaint French town called Chatearoux. It's ridiculously hot. The warmest I've been since last time I was in southern France – If Ell is reading this I'll have you know it is even hotter than that time. Anyway It's a beautiful French town however it's brought me to again remember that i don't speak French, a problem that causes me bi-annual pain, the up side of this being that it serves as a practical use for my impeccable skill at charades, it must have been a hilarious sight for anybody who saw me trying to mime “Wifi Internet” to the locals. Personally I thought my impression of a satellite receiving and sending radio waves to be quite well done and the sound effects weren't too bad either. I'm now on the street stealing internet from a nearby apartment. However this en devour should make me better appreciate my enhanced communication skills i should have tomorrow as i pass through Spain where i will have no trouble blindly answering yes or no questions and asking people where my Tequilla is.

Anyway we're off to Portugal in the morning to see some old friends. There should be surfing in this for me which seems a plus. I haven't surfed since I was two years old but even then i doubt I'll have retained what inevitably little skill I had back then. I expect that I'll have a decent amount of internet access there so my blog should be better up to date that it has been in the recent past, although you can probably just assume that I will spend the next two weeks surfing and drinking fine wine in the sun whilst constantly surrounded by beautiful Portuguese women.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

London Town - V and A Hats party

Right, I haven't posted for a while due to the fact that ironically the place with the least internet access so far has been merry old London town. Anyway, Friday night we went a hat party at the Victoria And Albert Museum. There was hundreds and hundreds of people wearing silly hats, finally a party i don't feel out of place at. There was cat walks with people wearing funky hats; speeches from famous hat designers; 20s music; dancing hobos and a hat making workshop where i forged the most beautiful hat man has ever as much as dreamed of.

From left to right In this photo by the way is my amigo, Holly Sonabend who's londonese friends have taught me that it is fun to make fun of the scottish. Next is yours truly wearing my beautiful new hat, fresh out of the hat studio followed by my londonian companion, Shannon Hopkins and of course wee liz on the far right.

In the end, being orcadians, me and holly ended up drinking Stella Artois, listening to the waterboys and smoking cheap cigarettes in the V and A courtyard. If anyone asks we didn't know you weren't allowed to smoke there.

Anyway, We're in Chichester now, soon to enjoy Tamara's Birthday meal with the carter family. We're hitting the continent on Wednesday methinks.

As rightfully insincere as it sounds I miss you all, See you guys around.
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Wednesday, 18 March 2009


Right, a lot of you are probably reading my blog with the intention of finding out what I'm up to these days and are therefor disappointed about how all i've really done is made silly posts about kenneth and Tinsel Twins adventures and kenneth. So I will now briefly explain what i've been up to in the last week.

I don't want to bore you with a detailed account of every event that has taken place so far. I think we'd all prefer a bullet pointed summary of the highlights so far.
  • Thursday 12th of march. the night of "The Fireball!!" My first ever Flaming cocktail. Its surprising how much extra you have to pay for fire these days. 
  • At long last Sam and Ell Watched "The Shining" We've been putting this off for a good two years or so now.
  • The Tinsel Twins were at last reunited. See the below post for a further account of the night.
  • I'm blogging from a pub in keswick called "The Dog and the gun" how manly is that?
  • Donald was cool enough as to join us on sunday night via Skype. We had a shirtless party with Sam, Hugh and Several action men figures.
  • Sam and Hugh's flat is truly awesome
  • I reached $1500,000,000 on mafia wars. What is the point of having money on mafia wars? all you spend it on is properties to provide you with more money; No one can see how much money you have and you can easily get everything you could possibly desire in the game for a meer $10,000,000. What a horrible game. Why do i play that game. I'd make a pact right here and now that i will never log into that time hole again if I wasn't so certain that I would break it.
Whilst I am in a bad mood with the world, Here are the Anti-Highlights of my journey so far:
  • There are two 26 busses in edinburgh. Couldn't they just have a 26 and 27? or perhaps a 26a and a 26b? I went back and forth on that bus a whopping 2 times before i finally came to the conclusion that my stop was blocked due to construction. This led me to pointlessly walk for an entire 4 hours until i finally reached my destination only to see a 26 stop right outside the camping ground seconds before i arrived. But the bright side is that i never gave into paying the extra £1.20 to use the 129 and i never let my feminine side encourage me to ask the bus driver what the dealio-yo was.
  • What the hell is a virgin shot?
  • What's with this twilight obsession? how can he be "Hotter in the book"? It's a book!
  • Sniffy!! Why have you joined Facebook?!?!?!?! You hate facebook! What are you thinking, Giving into your sworn enemy! You sick Bastard! I know no sniffy...
  • Ikea!! The building is like a rabbit trail or a rat maze. It's impossible to make it out without walking through all these rooms filled with cool looking items that you don't want at first but after about an hour or two of the nineties popular music and colourful sofas, Ingvar Kamprad works his magic on you and you begin to desire all of those fancy ice cream scoops and funky Garlic Mincers. I already have a perfectly decent garlic mincer, thank you very much, and i doubt that anyone is going to judge me based upon the colour of my cheese grater.
Sorry, I went off in a bit of a curve there. This Stella must have gotten to me a wee bit. Thanks for reading, I'll try and keep you all posted.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

The Tinsel Twins 3

Friday - The day of the "Tinsel Twins" Adventure number 3. At a mere two o' clock The tinsel twins Began their day at Loony Lornas Tea house With A Tea called sleeping Beauty It was a very pretty cafe, and they used the most adorable little tea cosy on the cutest little teapot I have ever seen. Naturally, after such a Feminine Afternoon as this one the tinsel twins where forced to Reassert Their Manliness by Growing Moustaches and drinking excessively at the very first pub they could find...
But then, to save money; the second pub they could find where they ordered a four pint pitcher to get the get the drinking ball rolling. They were soon joined by Sam's flatmate and Sam's good friend: Hugh, to give him a warm welcome to This particular Tipsy Tinsel twins Adventure they ordered a trio of cocktails; A layered Cocktail and two others with names i probably shouldn't repeat...

As with all other tinsel twins adventures the night did not yet come to an end when the pubs shut down. Oh no, Like all tinsel twins adventures it keeps on just getting started. The night carried on with more partying and less not partying than ever thought possible and they continue to party to this very day...

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Sam leaves on his travels.

Thus Sam and Donald begin a new chapter of their adventure. Sam leaves with his family in their home renovated truck, known by all as Roxanne, for greater things. Kimberly, Sam and I (Donald) left Stromness on the Truck, destined to be filled with a family of Joneses and travel the world for a year, waving goodbye to all of the companions the Joneses have made in their 4 year residence. After a teary eyed goodbye at the Terminal, the Joneses set off, leaving kimberly and I in their wake. Donald and Sam are parted for 5 months. Only until august, when I shall join them in their adventures. Until then you will not be hearing from Sam and Donald together but we invite you to check-up on the updates, both from sunny, eventful Orkney and from Sam, in all his misadventures.

The Kenneths

Right, throughout the course of this blog we will inevitably be using a lot of private jokes that will severely confuse the readers. To solve this problem we will now explain our most commonly used of jokes, "The Two Kenneths"

No one knows how and little know why but long ago God made the most beautiful of mistakes... Kenneth. A boy with two bodies
, a body with two boys... Kenneth. he was born with a split personality disorder but luckily he had two bodies so it turned out fine.

For those of you who think this is a load of ball sacks here is some photographic evidence of the pair.

Here they are, enjoying a sophisticated conversation at the dinner table.

Note the difference in hat and shirt.

The debate ended up getting quite h
eated so our
amigo, Rodney came to break up the fight.

Here he is looking over Kenneth No.1's
 documentation of the incident.
Opposites attract as the Kenneths partake in discourse in the sixth year room.

However all hell breaks loose when kenneth No.1 comes on a little bit too strong.

The next morning at Casa de Kenneth was all too awkward.

Bit in the end differences were set aside with a little help from a friend.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Thus it begins.

Here it is; the first post; I'll give you a basic story about what this is all about. As of tomorrow, I (Sam) will commence on a journey around the world in a truck called Roxanne for the duration of roughly a year. I will be joined in august by my closest of companions, friends and enemies; Donald Cowan. Until the point where we meet I will keep this blog updated with the news from my travels whilst Donald will attempt too keep a record of the events in the merry old Orkney Islands of which we both until tomorrow abide.